I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize