Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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