is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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