There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
