Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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