the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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