at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
