Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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