I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
