Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
