If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize