I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
