You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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