good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
