Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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