I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
