What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize