oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
