How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize