Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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