I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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