go do what you do best...puke behind churches
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize