If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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