you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
