if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
