If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
