Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
