i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
