If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
