I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
