i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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