Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
