unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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