I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
