this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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