so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
