You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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