I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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