"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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