i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found the puke drawer
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize