Umm I'm too high to move.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
