I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
