whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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