Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
