Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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