So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
