My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
