he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
