You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
