so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
