My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
