YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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