Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
my poor anus
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
