Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
