your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
