What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
