Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
