Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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