I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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