I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize