By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
no, he came in my armpit
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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