thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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