Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
